||[Sep. 29th, 2006|11:44 am]
I need to scream..badly..maybe just drive a while and scream at the top of my lungs. I cant tell if my sadness is real or just hormonal. Either way I guess its some what real. Sadness seems like the wrong word to use. But tears keep coming to my eyes. I think maybe it is hormones. I am having some bleeding..I cant tell if its from the surgery or maybe I’m starting a period. Period would explain the crazy feelings. I dunno. Im sorta interested to know what my first period will be like after the healing is done. It should be less painful.
The surgery went fine I guess. I didn’t like the fact that doctor didn’t talk to me after and when I asked a nurse what all happened she couldn’t find any notes. So I just said I would ask my mother. She came in the room told me that they removed all the endometriosis which left a moderate amount of damage on my ovary. I may or may not have posted that they thought the pain I’ve been having was a hernia, turned out I had 3 hernia’s. I apparently was born with them. Two on the right and one on the left. The biggest was the size of a golf ball. The patches inside seem to press on my bladder but that should get better. I had to go to the dr because one of incision sites, the one in my belly button looked a lil bad. When I was there the nurse practitioner told me all the other surgeries they did inside of me…blah… Endometriosis removed, 3 hernias repaired, one small cyst that apparently I was born with was removed and a BIG BIG cyst removed, some extra crap growing removed…the extra crap is apparently some finger jelly type stuff that grabs your eggs as they are released..anyways..i had some growing some place it shouldn’t, and they opened up one of my tubes that was 80% blocked…and one last thing..I have the ovaries of an older lady. Small basicly..and getting smaller. The nurse looked at me and asked if was planning on having children soon or if I thought I should talk it over with my partner. When I told her NO she said she would talk to me about it on the 2nd. Blah..
Kids only the thing I’ve wanted most in life..im scared…so scared….but I guess on the 2nd Ill find out exactly what im facing. My mother wants me to have kids now..as if that’s something I can just do. I suppose I can throw the kid in the laundry room, paint it pink or blue and hope it doesn’t crawl in the dryer. Okay I’m kidding :) But Its just not something I wanna think about right now.
On the bright side I went on a date with someone. I guess it was a date. It went fairly well. My heart feels just broken inside. Its been years and the pain still hurts so bad. I know its time to move on. Seems odd before I couldn’t imagine being alone for so long, now I cant imagine having someone new around. I just want to let go, not worry about getting hurt, being hurt or hurting anyone. I just want to do what makes me happy now and not worry about the future. I guess if he can let go I should be able to too.
Ahh okay..I was hoping after typing all this I could focus but I still have trouble. I have to get caught up in my school work. Its not super super far behind so it shouldn’t be too hard. I just have to focus.
Blah blah blah…I do infact feel a lil better…thank god…I used to hate writing..some how it seems to help now.